My brother long legs

My big brother, Paul died in the early hours of Monday after a long year coping with lung cancer. He looked out for me when we were kids, protecting me when he could and I've tried to do the same for him this year and being with him as he died I think I've given back to him what he has done for me.

Its hard when a person has cancer to see past it, to see anything but what this disease is doing to them, my brother guy helped me when he said  'when I look at him I try to see the brother from my memory'

Paul was born on a Monday 12th September 1966 of course I don't know of him then but Mum says he was a good baby, no trouble at all. He had a new brother, Guy a couple of years later and me 5 years after that.

My earliest memories, that are not from photographs, are of playing cowboys and Indians in the garden. We had cap guns and if I even catch a whiff of those it takes me right back to being Hiawatha on the Indian plain of our front garden. Paul was my protector most of the time but on one occasion I remember he and Guy tied me to a chair with a skipping rope, I think I was going to be scalped but Mum shouting 'DINNERTIME' sent them running off....leaving me tied there!

The three of us use to play out on the street like most kids of the 70's. We had a fair sized gang of kids on the road. Our favourite game being 1,2,3 dunya!! We would spread out like wildfire to find our hiding places, behind lamp posts, neighbours gardens, crouched at the side of parked cars and up trees! Base was normally our gate and as the seeker tentatively left base on the hunt, those of us in hiding got ready for the mad dash to reach base first, what fun! An occasional FALSE ALARM chant would go up accompanied by disappointed groans and accusing shouts but we soon made up and there I was again peeking out through my fingers as I counted loudly, making note of where Paul was sneaking off too to give me an advantage over his long legs!

He was tall, I mean he was bigger than me anyway but he was tall for his age always. Skinny too, we used to joke you could play xylophone on his ribs!

When we went to the seaside he wouldn't stay in the sea as long as Guy and me as he felt the cold but it didn't matter he was a great beach game player. Cricket  and rounders always went down well.

We had some wonderful holidays around Britain with nearly always a beach or some water involved and when Mum and Dad bought a boat and learned to sail we had some hilarious adventures like the time we beached her as the tide was going out and had to swim/walk push/drag her along Amazonian style.

Two's company threes a crowd is usually true but for me and my brothers most of the time it was twos killing each other (me & Guy) and threes keeping the peace! Paul somehow either managed to get between us and stop the fight getting too bad or steer clear till the dust settled. He was a peacekeeper and goodytwoshoes we called him sometimes, why cant you be more like Paul? But although I called him at times I never resented him because he was such a likeable person and you could never stay mad at him. I was grateful at times for his calm approach to my feuds with Guy and did try not to 'wind him up' as Paul suggested but I was a little too feisty so it didn't always work and when it didn't he manoeuvred between us physically or disappeared entirely.

Even though we became a little more distant in our teenage years as we went off on our own paths I always felt he was there for me, he never judged me too harshly. He had this clever way of making things into a joke when he wanted to get a serious point across like the time he caught me practising rolling cigarettes and laughed 'good idea cos you don't want to die from a badly rolled one"

We became close again when Scott his son was born I loved babies and enjoyed spending time with my new nephew and later when my niece Nicole was born my brothers new family was complete.

As they grew older I became more attached and for a time was their nanny while Paul and Lesley worked. I saw that all the wonderful traits, the protector and peacekeeper, that held him well as a brother made him a most wonderful father and husband. His sense of humour and laid back attitude to life made you want to be near him.

Scott and Nicole knew that they had a very special Dad and although at times he's managed to be an embarrassment to teens as any good father should l feel privileged to have seen the close bond he has forged with them into adulthood.

I felt in the presence of true family in the final hours of his life, the support over this difficult year since he was diagnosed with lung cancer has been a testament to the character of the boy I knew to the man everybody instantly likes. The doctors called him a real gentleman and was given home and mobile numbers to ring if he needed them. He never wanted anyone to worry trying to reassure everyone else during his illness. We tried not too but cared so deeply about him and struggled with the injustice of it all that as his last few weeks became more awful we couldn't help it. As he approached the final stage he told Lesley don't worry about me that was the last he was able to communicate and all of us were as brave as we could manage over those next two terrible weeks for him.

I'd like to say it was peaceful but its not cancer is cruel what I can say is that the strength of love in the room when he died and after shows cancer that:

 cancer is so limited

it cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope

it cannot corrode faith, it cannot eat away peace

it cannot destroy confidence, it cannot kill friendship

it cannot shut out memories, it cannot silence courage

it cannot invade the soul, it cannot quench the spirit

our greatest enemy is not disease, but despair

cancer might rob you of that blissful ignorance 

that once led you to believe that tomorrow stretched forever

in exchange, you are granted the vision to see each day today 

as a precious gift to be used wisely and richly

To my brother long legs I love you Paul x

My brother long legs
you are of course much more than that
between Guy and me in an old grey silver car you sat
your knobbly knees sticking out
pacifying arguments or calming the shout
Tall protector fighting my side
or keeping the peace in the fray or
off to your room to hide!

My brother long legs
Cowboys and Indians out in the sun
cap guns and skipping rope to
capture an injun was heap big fun
until leaving your indian brave
tied to a chair you forgot to save!
one two three dunya out on the road
leg it across gardens, racing, rushing,
a shout of false alarm slowed

My brother long legs
holidays questioned whose in the middle?
counting car colours and I spy or a riddle
cricket on the beach or in the cold sea
and a crab on my toes made me cry
fresh cooked crab sweet revenge
diving off rocks, you captain the dinghy
sailing 'Love is' to the seas end
flippers and snorkel walking so funny
bee flat under your back a sting and no honey

My brother long legs
growing up fast a distant teenage
no 1 son happy up in your loft room
listening to whitesnake not my kind of tune
but still my big brother, protector I see
never once holding a judgement on me
listening and taking it all in
then growing up and moving on
a bride in a good friend your Lesley
a baby, a boy the best dad you could be

My brother long legs
Mr incredible, fun loving father of two
your baby girls smiling as you tell me
I'm Auntie Kay to my niece and nephew
you swapped your fiat x19 for a family car
that took you on adventures to near and far
Spain your favourite fuerteventura
can't rhyme with that I couldn't be surer!
Your snoop doggy dog you loved to walk
a menagerie of cats, fish and plants to talk

My brother long legs
For a year you've fought bravely
the cancer growing inside
you've faced it head on
as each day a little more died
5 years not much between Paul, Guy and Kay
I wish you had much longer to stay
I feel privilged to be part of your life
to be with you, your children and wife
I have wonderful memories that cant be undone
I won't worry now that you are at peace and gone

in memory of my brother Paul